Men, Love Your Wives

The full scripture is "Men, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her."  Ephesians 5:25.  It is a tall order and last week the sermon at CHBC discussed how this is impossible without the indwelling spirit of Christ expressing himself though you.  As a Christian, the spirit of Christ "impresses" upon you a need your wife might have, brings to mind how that need might be met, and then empowers you to act accordingly.

In their book "Love and Respect," based largely on this scripture, the author relates research that sheds some light on the needs of many women concerning love.  How is love expressed by a man in a way that is received by a woman to meet her deepest need.  Dr. "E" points out six categories that research has shown of which meet the deepest need of a woman.

Closeness - A woman needs to feel "close" to her husband which is accomplished by being listened to.  A woman needs emotional release much like a man needs physical release and that emotional release is accomplished through talking.  By engaging with a woman face-to-face, and really listening to her, she is able to vent pent-up emotions and thereby feel closer to you as her husband.

Openness - A woman needs to feel that you are open with her, able to express your feelings, and that you are not secretly mad at her.  After a rough day at work, men often return home either grumpy and tired or expressing no emotion at all.  However, women feel loved when you are open with them about your feelings, your daily activities, and your life.

Understanding - "Likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as a weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."  1 Peter 3:7  Understanding your wife is a lifelong process but is commanded in scripture.  Learning how she thinks, what is important to her and how she differs from you in thought and action is the key to learning how to effectively show love to her.  Note the end of the scripture which seems to imply that failing to do so will not only negatively effect the way a man relates to his spouse but will also negatively effect their prayer life.  Want some more understanding>  Check out this hilarious video from Mark Unger.

Peacemaking - Many men, when faced with fighting with their spouse, often withdraw.  It is a way that we can take a moment to think and not say something that would be damaging.  It is often the honorable thing to do.  However, we are called to be peacemakers, especially with our spouse.  Men are called to reengage and make peace with their spouse.  See Ephesians 4:26.

Loyalty - A woman feels loved when you are loyal to her.  Gawking at other women, pornography, or threats to exit the relationship call into questions your loyalty and love for her.  While I fully understand that men are visual in nature, this does not excuse undermining our relationships with lust of the eyes.  See Job 31:1

Esteem - Making sure you remember important dates like anniversaries, birthdays and other important events shows that you value her.  These dates tell a story of your life together and they are imprinted on the calendar of her life.  Showing that these dates are important to you shows that she is important to you.  In addition, remembering the little things like her favorite color, favorite desert, or favorite flower shows that you pay attention and goes a long way towards showing you "esteem" her above all others.

So by using the acronym C.O.U.P.L.E. you can remember the ways that a women receives the love men are called and equipped to provide.   Need a little more help???  The next Love and Respect Workshop is scheduled for September 8th and 9th at Colonial Hills.  For more information click here.

Marriage and the Wizard

In the story The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy sets out to find the Wizard so she can find her way home.  Along the way Dorothy meets three characters, the Lion, who need to find his courage; the Tin Man, who needs to find his heart;  and a Scarecrow, who needs to find his brain. In the story she befriends each and they travel the yellow brick road side by side until they find the wizard, who reveals to them that they already had what they sought.

Dorothy walks with each of them encouraging them along the way. She never judges them as stupid, cowardly, or heartless.  In fact, she often finds the very characteristics they were searching for as she traveled with them on their quest.

This is an interesting picture of marriage and of a spouse.  A friend that comes along side you when you are at your best, sticks with you at your worst, and encourages you to become what God has planned for you all along.  They do not nag, brow-beat, discourage or disrespect you.  They know that God has a plan for you and that you have what it takes to be the person  God is calling you to be. They have the strength to do this not because they have unlimited faith in you, but because they have faith in God.  They have faith in the one who will ultimately form you into the masterpiece he has created you to be from the beginning of time.

Spouses underestimate the power they have in a marriage.  Power to encourage and lift a mate to the greater heights that God has planned for them.  Power to destroy a mate with a sharp tongue or critical and biting comments.  Remember, we are commanded to encourage one another and there is no place where this is more important than in a marriage.

Scripture:  1 Thessalonians 5: 11 - Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are now doing.

Prayer - Father, help me speak words of encouragement instead of criticism; help me build my mate up instead of tearing them down.  Create in me the desire to encourage my spouse.

A Matter of Habit

 It is often said that if you want something to become a habit you have to do it for 21 (or more) consecutive days.  What habits do you have that enrich and strengthen your marriage.  Taking just a few minutes each day can have a huge impact on your marriage.  Want some ideas?

1. Pray for and/or with your spouse every day - Praying with your spouse is uncomfortable for many couples as it requires vulnerability and openness.  But the benefits are huge.  Pray for your husband to have a calm day at work; pray for your wife and her relationships with others; pray with your spouse concerning family issues, financial decisions, your sex life, work life and other issues that are critical to your relationship.
2. List three things about your spouse you are thankful for each day.  Write them in a journal or notebook.  Periodically, let your spouse know why you are thankful they are in your life.  Be specific.  Periodically jot it down in a note, a poem or a card.  A person cannot be thankful and critical at the same time.  We are called to be a people of thanksgiving.  
3. Do something nice for your spouse every day.  This does not have to be a huge act.  Load the coffee pod for them, put toothpaste on their toothbrush if you get up first, stop and pick up a few wildflowers for your wife on the way home.  The structure of a marriage is not built with huge acts of kindness but a lifetime of small acts of kindness.
4. Compliment them.
5. Thank them.
6. Want to add some romance...Kiss your spouse for 90 seconds every day for the next 21 days.  After a few decades of marriage we get into the habit of a quick "peck" when we say goodby.  When you leave the house each morning make sure the kiss lasts 90 seconds for the next few weeks. 

Scripture:  Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  

1 Thess.  5:18

Prayer:  Father create in me a thankful heart and instill in me habits of thankfulness.  

Happiness or Holiness

Why Marriage?  Well, we have to explore a few passages of scripture to understand the reasons and benefits of a marriage.  The Bible tells us God created marriage for...

Fellowship - Genesis 2:18

Protection - Ephesians 5:25, 1 Corinthians 7:9

Procreation - Genesis 9:7, Psalms 127:4-5

Faithfulness, Romance and Sexual Fulfillment - The whole book of Song of Songs

Reflection of God's relationship to us - Ephesians 5:22-33, Revelation 21: 2,9


Looking back over the past 30+ years of marriage I also have to say I believe that God uses marriage as part of our sanctification, to work out in us the holiness he has bestowed on us.  In his book Sacred Romance, Gary Thomas asks a question that has reverberated in my marriage for years now;  "Is it possible that God may have created marriage not for our happiness, but for our holiness?"  It is a great questions that deserves some consideration.  

God has set us apart as a special people.  We are people that reflect his nature as we bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control.  God works these fruits through us by putting us into situations that require the fruit to be exhibited.  Patience can only be exhibited in situations that try our patience.  Gentleness can only be exercised and exhibited in situations that require us to be gentle.  No relationship requires us to exercise the fruit of the spirit more than the relationship of marriage.  Putting two broken people in close  proximity to each other with all their fears, shortcomings and challenges and doing so for life results in either increased holiness or insanity.  I am convinced marriage is one of the primary tools God uses to develop us into a reflection of His Son, Jesus.  I am thrilled that I have a marriage that makes me happy for the most part.  But I am also convinced that I have a happy marriage because Patty and I both understand that happiness is not to be expected and that our relationship does not revolve around our feelings.  Our relationship revolves around Jesus, and it is only in that relationship that we can find true joy in our marriage.

Thought for the Day:  Marriage is a tool God uses to create in us an expression of Holiness.

Scripture for the Day:  Philippine 2:12:  Therefore, dear friends, as you have always obeyed---
not only in my presence but much more so in my absence -- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

Prayer:  God, help me see my spouse as a person you are using not only for my joy and happiness but also in my sanctification.

The Mysterious Complexities of Marriage

A Million Books and Counting

I love being married.  I learned early, however, that it is neither as easy as it looks or as bad as we often joke about it being.  It is complex.  It is complicated.  It can be hard.

There have to be a million books on marriage and intimacy; ninety-nine thousand of them reside in my closet.  They have been read, reviewed, and studied.   Titles like Sacred Marriage, His Needs Her Needs, The Five Love Languages, Love and Respect, 1001 Ways to Be Romantic, The Act of Marriage, Getting it On, Sacred Romance, What Did You Expect, God on Sex, Love at Last Sight, Kingdom Marriage, Love and War, Lifetime Guarantee...and the list goes on.  So many books and so many perspectives.  The truth is we are complex creatures living in a complex world with other people who are complex creatures living in a complex world.  No single study can fully educate a couple of how to navigate the mysterious complexities of marriage.

Where Can We Start

Each year at Colonial Hills we work through a series of studies that provide a good start for improving your marriage.  The Love and Respect Workshop provides a starting point where couples can learn some biblical practices from the creator of marriage that will help in navigating the tapestry created when a man and woman enter the bonds of matrimony.  We follow that up with an additional study that either expands on these concepts or adds additional perspectives on issues that range from spiritual warfare to forgiveness; from intimacy and sex to finances.  The next cycle is starting soon.


The Next Love and Respect Workshop is scheduled for September  at Colonial Hills.  For more information go to the Love and Respect Home Page at CHBC.

What Else Do You Offer?

Marriage Coaching from certified coaches, classes on a wide variety of topics regarding marriage, and two annual retreats a year where couples can get away together to focus on their relationship.  For more information or questions, please feel free to contact Michael and Patty Curtis at 903-316-1663 or by emailing them here.

Intimacy While Raising Little Ones

Sexual intimacy is an amazing gift from God that can be challenging when you are in the midst of raising kids.  Ryan and Selena Frederick from Fierce Marriage do a great job tackling this subject.

Many couples find this conversation challenging.  I would recommend getting over it.  Even if you don't have children in the home, discussing frequency as well as what works for both of you and what doesn't is a key tactic to a healthy and strong sex life.

Have a great week

1,000 Little Decisions

Last week I talked about Zig Ziegler and his amazing devotion to Jesus and his wife of 60+ years, Jean.  Since then I have been thinking about how he got there.  No marriage of 60 years is without it's fights, disappointments, losses, and challenges.  No marriage survives without focus, determination, and sacrifice.  No marriage remains strong without love, respect, passion, joy and God.  I was reminded of the last chapter of John and Stacy Eldridge's book, Love and War.  The chapter is titled Learning To Love and it has a section in which they discuss 1,000 Little Choices.  I am reminded that this is what marriage is, one-thousand  little decisions; choosing to love, choosing to minister, choosing to engage, choosing to respond, choosing to obey, choosing to forgive...again.  My guess is that Mr. Ziegler and his wife learned this truth early on.

No marriage remains the same.  Today, your marriage will become stronger or it will become weaker.  You will move towards intimacy, friendship and love or you will move towards cohabitation, boredom and soul killing numbness.   For it to become stronger, you will have to make decisions and take constant action.  You will have to send that text, spend that extra time in a kiss, open a door, hold a hand, buy some flowers, read a scripture, pray with and for your spouse, take out that garbage, pick up those socks, wash some dishes, put on that perfume.  Without constant attention, things always break down, deteriorate, fall apart.  I like to call it relational entropy and it is easily seen in how marriages start strong but break down, often in a very short time; often simply from neglect.  When rated on a scale of marital bliss from one to ten the average long-term marriage rates themselves at about a 3.  That is a shame.  With Valentines Day only 30 days away, this is a great time to start making positive strides in your marriage.  What actions can you take in the next 30 days to show your love, and express your respect?  Try this:

Week 1

1. Every day for the next week write down three things that you love about her or respect about him.
2. Next Saturday, write each other a note telling the other the top three things you love about her or respect about him.  This doesn't have to be dramatic, just let each other know what you appreciate about the other.  
3. If your going to go out for a special Valentine's evening...make reservations guys.

Week 2

1. Every day for the second week continue to note what you appreciate about them but in addition pray for you and your spouse.  Pray for your walk with God, your safety, your joy, your sex life, your family, and for God to work in you to become the spouse He can use to minister to your husband or wife.
2. The Saturday of the second week have a date night.  Go for a walk at a local park, cook a meal together, watch a movie.  Ideas for Movies that both guys and girls can dig:

• For the Love of the Game
• Last of the Mohican's
• The Italian Job
• Bull Durham
• How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days
• Dan in Real Life

Week 3

1. Continue with the previous actions (daily appreciation and prayer).  Start looking for your Valentines gift.  I know,  it's two weeks away which seems like a year, but just try it.    Think about something unique, something that shows some thought and consideration.  Think about what they value, enjoy and appreciate.
• Pictures of the two of you over the past 10 years put into a book.  You can get these at Walgreens for a small price.
• Take one of her favorite pictures of the two of you and make a puzzle out of it.  You can get these at the Wal-Mart photo shop.
• Make a CD of music from your marriage.  Maybe a favorite song from each year you have been married. 
2. This Saturday do something sacrificial for your spouse. 
• Give them a foot massage
• Do some housework they hate to do 
• Use your extra cash to buy them a small gift

Week 4

1. This is the week before Valentines day.  Make final plans and confirm reservations if appropriate.
• Purchase/pick-up their gift
• Find a card or create an original card on the computer
2. This Friday and Saturday join us for the Love and Respect Workshop.  Learn how you can allow God to grow and strengthen your marriage in amazing ways.  

While sustaining this level of commitment is difficult over the long-haul, daily thoughts of appreciation and daily prayer for your spouse is not.  In fact, we all should be ministering to our spouses in such a way as this would become habitual.  

Blessings

http://www.colonialhills.com/marriage/