Source vs. Resource

Want to know one of the biggest secrets of a successful marriage?  Your spouse is not your source of happiness.  Neither are they your source of security, love, sexual fulfillment, safety, fellowship....

In fact, your spouse is not your source of anything that a righteous person seeks.  Just to be clear, as a Christian, you have been given the righteousness of Christ, so you are righteous.  So let me make my case.

James 1:17 says that all good things come from God.  We see in Genesis that it was not good for man to be alone, so God created him a helpmate, a partner.  Providing man a helpmate/partner/wife was the culminating event in creation.  Man was blessed with woman, and that blessing was from God.  Scripture says that if you cannot control lust (bad thing) then you should marry (good thing).  The blessings of a wife are stated over and over in Proverbs.  The Song of Solomon is a whole book on the blessings of sexual union (good thing) in marriage.  Even Ecclesiastes, the book of doom and gloom of the Bible, extols the value of a partner (wife) to stand against the enemy.

So what is my point?  God is the source of every good thing.  We too often look to our spouse as our source of happiness, joy, entertainment, romance, validation, security, etc.  We look to our spouse to meet all of our needs and are disappointed, sometimes tragically, when they fail us.  Here is the secret...they were never designed to meet all of our needs.  Only God can meet all of our needs, and sometimes he chooses to meet some of our needs through our spouse.  However, God retains full responsibility for meeting our needs.  Let me say it again because it is that important...God is our source and our spouse is one of the resources he uses to meet our needs.

Understanding that God is our source for all our needs and that our spouse is a resource God uses to meet some of those needs is a freeing realization.  As a husband I can let God express his love for my wife through me as he desires.  However, I am not responsible for meeting all of her needs for love, security, safety, etc.  Only God can do that.  When she feels her needs are not being met, we can join in prayer and ask God for what only he can supply.  When I am feeling that all of my needs are not being met by my wife, we can join in prayer and ask why?  Maybe I am expecting the need to be met from the wrong source, or maybe, it's not a need at all, but a desire.

Being disappointed in our marriage because of unmet expectations is a disaster of epic proportion, and may be the primary cause of divorce in couples.  When we enter into a marriage with unrealistic expectations, and then focus on those expectations and our spouse's failure to meet them, we end up being contemptuous towards our spouse and sometimes even God.  Remember that only God can meet all of our needs. We must go to him with our expectations, so we can see our marriage in the right perspective.  This makes it easier to give thanks for what our spouse brings into our lives instead of expressing contempt for their perceived shortcomings.

Scripture:  Phill. 4:19  And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Thought for the day:  Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over, expectations or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth, and the child will be named either contempt or respect.

Prayer:  Father, thank you for your provision and help me to be thankful for the blessings you have provided.  Help me turn to you with my desires, dreams and needs.  Help me to have faith in you to meet all my needs.

Bonus Assignment:  This week start each day identifying three things you are thankful for concerning your spouse.  Do this every day and see if your perspective concerning them does not improve.  At the end of the week share three things you appreciate in a card or note to your spouse.

Beware the Little Foxes

Scripture is replete with advice on marriage.  Church members from Colossus were given advice on family structure, Ephesus received instruction on how to relate to one another, and similar advice can be found throughout the Old and New Testaments.  One of the best pieces of advice can be found in the Song of Solomon.  The writer is speaking to the lover and the beloved and pens these words:  “Beware the little foxes that get into the vineyard.”

I love the fact that the marital relationship is compared to a vineyard.   The vineyard evokes images of long, fruit bearing rows;  of vines on the side of Tuscan hill warming in the evening sun.  What we often don’t consider is the constant attention required of a vineyard and the fact that the keeper of the vineyard had to be vigilant against those things that would destroy his crop.  Marriage is no different.

It’s funny that we seem to think that the most important human relationship in our lives do not need attention.  However, inattention is one of the most destructive enemies of our marriage.  Ask yourself these questions:

• How much time each week do my spouse and I spend in intimate conversation? (The average in America is less than 9 minutes.)
• What have I purposely been involved in to strengthen my marriage?
• What does my sex life say about my marriage?  (Sex life is an indicator of a healthy marriage, not the cause of one.)
• Are my spouse and I closer than when we first got married or are we growing farther apart. 

So what is the answer?  A quote that comes to mind is from Steven Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, "put First Things First."  I facilitate a class based on this book and when we come to the third habit, "Put First Things First," we complete exercises concerning what is really important in your life and where you actually spend your time and energy.  It is at this portion of the training that I often face tears.  People start looking at where they have spent decades of their life as opposed to what is really important.  They start to realize they have neglected relationships in an effort to pay for a house that is three times the size they need or a car they bought just to keep up with their friends.  They recognize the folly of building relationships at work at the expense of the relationships that are dying at home.  In short, through either laziness or inattention, they have let the little foxes into their vineyard. 

Think about this over the next week or so.  What relationships are you investing in?  Are you investing your time and energy into the most important human relationship of your life?  Without giving it thought you will always default into investing in those things that are urgent, not important. 

• Are you balancing time with your spouse and time ...
• with your friends?
• with your children?
• in your ministry?
• with your family?
• Are you working on your relationship through ...
• praying together?
• studying together?
• planning together?
• working together in ministry?
• attending workshops (like Love and Respect)?
• spending uninterrupted time alone (like at a Marriage Retreat)?
• pulling the weeds in your relationship by ...
• working through issues instead of ignoring them?
• dealing with the sin in your lives together?
• finding a Marriage Mentor or Coach when issues arise? 

Without spending time defending against them, the foxes will attack your vineyard and undermine your marriage.  It is sometimes a slow process that goes unnoticed for years until the damage is done. 

One final thought; if you feel a little conviction, do not fear.  We serve a God of second chances, a God that is in the redemption business, and a God that can get you back on track in your marriage.  Reach out to a pastor, minister or friend that can help.  Of course, the Marriage Ministry at Colonial Hills is always there to support, help, and encourage you as you work to keep the little foxes at bay.  Give us a call at any time. 

Thought for the week:  What foxes have I let into my marriage and how will I start to defend against them?

Scripture:  Catch the little foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. (Song of Solomon 2:15)

Prayer:  Father, be the defender of our marriage.  Defend us from those things that attack and undermine our relationship.  Reveal to us our weaknesses, strengthen us and guide us in overcoming them, and work in and through us to create a marriage that honors you.

Welcome to Three Strands Ministry

If you are joining us from the Colonial Hills Facebook page for the first time, welcome.

I was talking to a guy last week and we were discussing his marriage.  During the discussion I felt that I needed to point out that God called us to be sacrificial in showing love to our wife.  Ephesians says “Love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave up his life for her.”  I pointed out that God calls men to be sacrificial to the point of dying for our wives.  Without missing a beat he responded “I don’t mind dying for her, it’s the living with her I can’t handle.”

Sorry, it’s an old joke but one that expresses the difficulty many face in their marriage.  The church is afflicted with dying, mediocre marriages by men and women who have no idea how to overcome the sins of fear, selfishness and laziness.   As a result they are in a relationship where manipulation and mediocrity rule.   When frustration sets in many follow their feelings and “punch out” by calling a divorce lawyer.  Our marriages look no different than those of non-believers because we use the same tools and methods that the world uses and face the same outcomes.   There is a better way.

What if you started seeing your marriage as a garden; a place where the sacrificial love and mutual respect of Christ creates a climate of growth, peace and harmony.  A place where weed pulling becomes a way of life as you work together to overcome the challenges and brokenness you brought into your  marriage.  A place where seeds are planted that result in the fruit of peace, joy and patience.  A garden designed to produce holiness instead of happiness (though happiness is often possible at times).  A garden doesn’t grow without work and neither does a marriage.  However, when you turn your marriage over to God and begin the work of abiding in his plan for your marriage, great things become possible.  

Three Strands Ministry is designed to help you on your way.  Maybe you are planning a wedding and want to start strong through pre-marital coaching.  Maybe you have been married a few years and need a tune-up.  Maybe you are in one of those “hot spots” that every marriage goes through and you need a little support.  Maybe you just want to better understand why your spouse is so hardheaded, non-committal, withdrawn, indecisive, talkative, quiet, infuriating, or delightful.  Maybe you don’t know what you need but you know you need something.  If any of these describe you, check out these links and see what is available to you regardless of where you are in your marriage.

Three Strands Ministry - The home page for the Colonial Hills Marriage Ministry.

Marriage Coaching - For those preparing for marriage or those who want to improve their marriage.

Love and Respect Conference- For singles and dating.

Love and Respect Workshop- For engaged and married.

Love and War- For additional study.

Weekend Retreats - To review workshop content and focus on your relationship for a weekend.