Men, Love Your Wives

The full scripture is "Men, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her."  Ephesians 5:25.  It is a tall order and last week the sermon at CHBC discussed how this is impossible without the indwelling spirit of Christ expressing himself though you.  As a Christian, the spirit of Christ "impresses" upon you a need your wife might have, brings to mind how that need might be met, and then empowers you to act accordingly.

In their book "Love and Respect," based largely on this scripture, the author relates research that sheds some light on the needs of many women concerning love.  How is love expressed by a man in a way that is received by a woman to meet her deepest need.  Dr. "E" points out six categories that research has shown of which meet the deepest need of a woman.

Closeness - A woman needs to feel "close" to her husband which is accomplished by being listened to.  A woman needs emotional release much like a man needs physical release and that emotional release is accomplished through talking.  By engaging with a woman face-to-face, and really listening to her, she is able to vent pent-up emotions and thereby feel closer to you as her husband.

Openness - A woman needs to feel that you are open with her, able to express your feelings, and that you are not secretly mad at her.  After a rough day at work, men often return home either grumpy and tired or expressing no emotion at all.  However, women feel loved when you are open with them about your feelings, your daily activities, and your life.

Understanding - "Likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as a weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."  1 Peter 3:7  Understanding your wife is a lifelong process but is commanded in scripture.  Learning how she thinks, what is important to her and how she differs from you in thought and action is the key to learning how to effectively show love to her.  Note the end of the scripture which seems to imply that failing to do so will not only negatively effect the way a man relates to his spouse but will also negatively effect their prayer life.  Want some more understanding>  Check out this hilarious video from Mark Unger.

Peacemaking - Many men, when faced with fighting with their spouse, often withdraw.  It is a way that we can take a moment to think and not say something that would be damaging.  It is often the honorable thing to do.  However, we are called to be peacemakers, especially with our spouse.  Men are called to reengage and make peace with their spouse.  See Ephesians 4:26.

Loyalty - A woman feels loved when you are loyal to her.  Gawking at other women, pornography, or threats to exit the relationship call into questions your loyalty and love for her.  While I fully understand that men are visual in nature, this does not excuse undermining our relationships with lust of the eyes.  See Job 31:1

Esteem - Making sure you remember important dates like anniversaries, birthdays and other important events shows that you value her.  These dates tell a story of your life together and they are imprinted on the calendar of her life.  Showing that these dates are important to you shows that she is important to you.  In addition, remembering the little things like her favorite color, favorite desert, or favorite flower shows that you pay attention and goes a long way towards showing you "esteem" her above all others.

So by using the acronym C.O.U.P.L.E. you can remember the ways that a women receives the love men are called and equipped to provide.   Need a little more help???  The next Love and Respect Workshop is scheduled for September 8th and 9th at Colonial Hills.  For more information click here.

Marriage and the Wizard

In the story The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy sets out to find the Wizard so she can find her way home.  Along the way Dorothy meets three characters, the Lion, who need to find his courage; the Tin Man, who needs to find his heart;  and a Scarecrow, who needs to find his brain. In the story she befriends each and they travel the yellow brick road side by side until they find the wizard, who reveals to them that they already had what they sought.

Dorothy walks with each of them encouraging them along the way. She never judges them as stupid, cowardly, or heartless.  In fact, she often finds the very characteristics they were searching for as she traveled with them on their quest.

This is an interesting picture of marriage and of a spouse.  A friend that comes along side you when you are at your best, sticks with you at your worst, and encourages you to become what God has planned for you all along.  They do not nag, brow-beat, discourage or disrespect you.  They know that God has a plan for you and that you have what it takes to be the person  God is calling you to be. They have the strength to do this not because they have unlimited faith in you, but because they have faith in God.  They have faith in the one who will ultimately form you into the masterpiece he has created you to be from the beginning of time.

Spouses underestimate the power they have in a marriage.  Power to encourage and lift a mate to the greater heights that God has planned for them.  Power to destroy a mate with a sharp tongue or critical and biting comments.  Remember, we are commanded to encourage one another and there is no place where this is more important than in a marriage.

Scripture:  1 Thessalonians 5: 11 - Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are now doing.

Prayer - Father, help me speak words of encouragement instead of criticism; help me build my mate up instead of tearing them down.  Create in me the desire to encourage my spouse.

A Matter of Habit

 It is often said that if you want something to become a habit you have to do it for 21 (or more) consecutive days.  What habits do you have that enrich and strengthen your marriage.  Taking just a few minutes each day can have a huge impact on your marriage.  Want some ideas?

1. Pray for and/or with your spouse every day - Praying with your spouse is uncomfortable for many couples as it requires vulnerability and openness.  But the benefits are huge.  Pray for your husband to have a calm day at work; pray for your wife and her relationships with others; pray with your spouse concerning family issues, financial decisions, your sex life, work life and other issues that are critical to your relationship.
2. List three things about your spouse you are thankful for each day.  Write them in a journal or notebook.  Periodically, let your spouse know why you are thankful they are in your life.  Be specific.  Periodically jot it down in a note, a poem or a card.  A person cannot be thankful and critical at the same time.  We are called to be a people of thanksgiving.  
3. Do something nice for your spouse every day.  This does not have to be a huge act.  Load the coffee pod for them, put toothpaste on their toothbrush if you get up first, stop and pick up a few wildflowers for your wife on the way home.  The structure of a marriage is not built with huge acts of kindness but a lifetime of small acts of kindness.
4. Compliment them.
5. Thank them.
6. Want to add some romance...Kiss your spouse for 90 seconds every day for the next 21 days.  After a few decades of marriage we get into the habit of a quick "peck" when we say goodby.  When you leave the house each morning make sure the kiss lasts 90 seconds for the next few weeks. 

Scripture:  Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  

1 Thess.  5:18

Prayer:  Father create in me a thankful heart and instill in me habits of thankfulness.  

Happiness or Holiness

Why Marriage?  Well, we have to explore a few passages of scripture to understand the reasons and benefits of a marriage.  The Bible tells us God created marriage for...

Fellowship - Genesis 2:18

Protection - Ephesians 5:25, 1 Corinthians 7:9

Procreation - Genesis 9:7, Psalms 127:4-5

Faithfulness, Romance and Sexual Fulfillment - The whole book of Song of Songs

Reflection of God's relationship to us - Ephesians 5:22-33, Revelation 21: 2,9


Looking back over the past 30+ years of marriage I also have to say I believe that God uses marriage as part of our sanctification, to work out in us the holiness he has bestowed on us.  In his book Sacred Romance, Gary Thomas asks a question that has reverberated in my marriage for years now;  "Is it possible that God may have created marriage not for our happiness, but for our holiness?"  It is a great questions that deserves some consideration.  

God has set us apart as a special people.  We are people that reflect his nature as we bear the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control.  God works these fruits through us by putting us into situations that require the fruit to be exhibited.  Patience can only be exhibited in situations that try our patience.  Gentleness can only be exercised and exhibited in situations that require us to be gentle.  No relationship requires us to exercise the fruit of the spirit more than the relationship of marriage.  Putting two broken people in close  proximity to each other with all their fears, shortcomings and challenges and doing so for life results in either increased holiness or insanity.  I am convinced marriage is one of the primary tools God uses to develop us into a reflection of His Son, Jesus.  I am thrilled that I have a marriage that makes me happy for the most part.  But I am also convinced that I have a happy marriage because Patty and I both understand that happiness is not to be expected and that our relationship does not revolve around our feelings.  Our relationship revolves around Jesus, and it is only in that relationship that we can find true joy in our marriage.

Thought for the Day:  Marriage is a tool God uses to create in us an expression of Holiness.

Scripture for the Day:  Philippine 2:12:  Therefore, dear friends, as you have always obeyed---
not only in my presence but much more so in my absence -- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

Prayer:  God, help me see my spouse as a person you are using not only for my joy and happiness but also in my sanctification.

The Mysterious Complexities of Marriage

A Million Books and Counting

I love being married.  I learned early, however, that it is neither as easy as it looks or as bad as we often joke about it being.  It is complex.  It is complicated.  It can be hard.

There have to be a million books on marriage and intimacy; ninety-nine thousand of them reside in my closet.  They have been read, reviewed, and studied.   Titles like Sacred Marriage, His Needs Her Needs, The Five Love Languages, Love and Respect, 1001 Ways to Be Romantic, The Act of Marriage, Getting it On, Sacred Romance, What Did You Expect, God on Sex, Love at Last Sight, Kingdom Marriage, Love and War, Lifetime Guarantee...and the list goes on.  So many books and so many perspectives.  The truth is we are complex creatures living in a complex world with other people who are complex creatures living in a complex world.  No single study can fully educate a couple of how to navigate the mysterious complexities of marriage.

Where Can We Start

Each year at Colonial Hills we work through a series of studies that provide a good start for improving your marriage.  The Love and Respect Workshop provides a starting point where couples can learn some biblical practices from the creator of marriage that will help in navigating the tapestry created when a man and woman enter the bonds of matrimony.  We follow that up with an additional study that either expands on these concepts or adds additional perspectives on issues that range from spiritual warfare to forgiveness; from intimacy and sex to finances.  The next cycle is starting soon.


The Next Love and Respect Workshop is scheduled for September  at Colonial Hills.  For more information go to the Love and Respect Home Page at CHBC.

What Else Do You Offer?

Marriage Coaching from certified coaches, classes on a wide variety of topics regarding marriage, and two annual retreats a year where couples can get away together to focus on their relationship.  For more information or questions, please feel free to contact Michael and Patty Curtis at 903-316-1663 or by emailing them here.

Intimacy While Raising Little Ones

Sexual intimacy is an amazing gift from God that can be challenging when you are in the midst of raising kids.  Ryan and Selena Frederick from Fierce Marriage do a great job tackling this subject.

Many couples find this conversation challenging.  I would recommend getting over it.  Even if you don't have children in the home, discussing frequency as well as what works for both of you and what doesn't is a key tactic to a healthy and strong sex life.

Have a great week

1,000 Little Decisions

Last week I talked about Zig Ziegler and his amazing devotion to Jesus and his wife of 60+ years, Jean.  Since then I have been thinking about how he got there.  No marriage of 60 years is without it's fights, disappointments, losses, and challenges.  No marriage survives without focus, determination, and sacrifice.  No marriage remains strong without love, respect, passion, joy and God.  I was reminded of the last chapter of John and Stacy Eldridge's book, Love and War.  The chapter is titled Learning To Love and it has a section in which they discuss 1,000 Little Choices.  I am reminded that this is what marriage is, one-thousand  little decisions; choosing to love, choosing to minister, choosing to engage, choosing to respond, choosing to obey, choosing to forgive...again.  My guess is that Mr. Ziegler and his wife learned this truth early on.

No marriage remains the same.  Today, your marriage will become stronger or it will become weaker.  You will move towards intimacy, friendship and love or you will move towards cohabitation, boredom and soul killing numbness.   For it to become stronger, you will have to make decisions and take constant action.  You will have to send that text, spend that extra time in a kiss, open a door, hold a hand, buy some flowers, read a scripture, pray with and for your spouse, take out that garbage, pick up those socks, wash some dishes, put on that perfume.  Without constant attention, things always break down, deteriorate, fall apart.  I like to call it relational entropy and it is easily seen in how marriages start strong but break down, often in a very short time; often simply from neglect.  When rated on a scale of marital bliss from one to ten the average long-term marriage rates themselves at about a 3.  That is a shame.  With Valentines Day only 30 days away, this is a great time to start making positive strides in your marriage.  What actions can you take in the next 30 days to show your love, and express your respect?  Try this:

Week 1

1. Every day for the next week write down three things that you love about her or respect about him.
2. Next Saturday, write each other a note telling the other the top three things you love about her or respect about him.  This doesn't have to be dramatic, just let each other know what you appreciate about the other.  
3. If your going to go out for a special Valentine's evening...make reservations guys.

Week 2

1. Every day for the second week continue to note what you appreciate about them but in addition pray for you and your spouse.  Pray for your walk with God, your safety, your joy, your sex life, your family, and for God to work in you to become the spouse He can use to minister to your husband or wife.
2. The Saturday of the second week have a date night.  Go for a walk at a local park, cook a meal together, watch a movie.  Ideas for Movies that both guys and girls can dig:

• For the Love of the Game
• Last of the Mohican's
• The Italian Job
• Bull Durham
• How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days
• Dan in Real Life

Week 3

1. Continue with the previous actions (daily appreciation and prayer).  Start looking for your Valentines gift.  I know,  it's two weeks away which seems like a year, but just try it.    Think about something unique, something that shows some thought and consideration.  Think about what they value, enjoy and appreciate.
• Pictures of the two of you over the past 10 years put into a book.  You can get these at Walgreens for a small price.
• Take one of her favorite pictures of the two of you and make a puzzle out of it.  You can get these at the Wal-Mart photo shop.
• Make a CD of music from your marriage.  Maybe a favorite song from each year you have been married. 
2. This Saturday do something sacrificial for your spouse. 
• Give them a foot massage
• Do some housework they hate to do 
• Use your extra cash to buy them a small gift

Week 4

1. This is the week before Valentines day.  Make final plans and confirm reservations if appropriate.
• Purchase/pick-up their gift
• Find a card or create an original card on the computer
2. This Friday and Saturday join us for the Love and Respect Workshop.  Learn how you can allow God to grow and strengthen your marriage in amazing ways.  

While sustaining this level of commitment is difficult over the long-haul, daily thoughts of appreciation and daily prayer for your spouse is not.  In fact, we all should be ministering to our spouses in such a way as this would become habitual.  

Blessings

http://www.colonialhills.com/marriage/

I'm Glad I Did

I saw Zig Ziegler a few years back in Dallas before his death in 2012.  He was in a packed auditorium being interviewed by his daughter.  He had suffered a head injury and as a result had trouble focusing and staying on topic.  An audience member would ask a questions and he would begin an answer but soon trail off.  Within a few seconds his daughter would gently refocus him and he would continue until the answer was complete.  Even after the fall he was a powerful speaker and a man of wisdom and grace.

What most influenced me that day was those things that stood out as most important to him.  You could tell what those were because when his mind wandered, it shifted to one of two things; Jesus, who he accepted as his savior at the age of 42, and his wife of 62 years, Jean Ziegler.  It was an amazing thing to watch.  He would begin to answer a questions on relationships, life balance, success, and somewhere in the middle he would wander and begin talking about his savior or "That little redheaded girl that I love so much."  I had read his books but it was where his mind went when he got lost that left me so impressed.

I understand.  His mind simply wandered to where his heart was.  I am blessed to have the same savior and what I believe is most likely a wife very much like Jean.  My prayer is that when my ability to focus is gone the people I will think on will be the lover of my soul and the love of my life.

www.colonialhills.com/marriage

The Sanctity of Trust

Trust is a delicate thing and is the foundation of all truly intimate relationships.  For many, it is hard to trust others due to past experiences or pains from past abuses.  We almost always approach the discussion on trust from the perspective of "Can I trust (fill in a name)?"  However, it is just as important that we approach the issue of trust from the perspective of "Can I be trusted?"

In a Christian marriage, trust is even more multi-faceted.  I have to learn to trust my spouse in a very intimate way and in every aspect of my life.  I trust my spouse with my finances, children, possessions, time, sexuality, emotions, and my heart.  It is no small thing and when trust is broken in a marriage, it negatively effects every aspect of our life.  The trust we have in our spouse is never static and is always growing stronger or eroding.  The last question on the video is "who do you trust and how do you grow it?"  Here are some questions to think through:

1. Are you trustworthy?  -  The answer is that in Christ, we are.  As we access and depend upon the heart and mind of Christ we can be counted on to seek the other's best interested; never engage in activities that hurt or harm our spouse; sacrificially act in ways that encourage, build up, and strengthen our spouse; 
2. How can you build trustworthiness?  - How are your actions effecting your spouse's ability to trust you?  Each of us learns to trust the other by determining whether or not we can depend on them.  Do your actions, thoughts and deeds remind your spouse:
• I will choose to love you regardless of your actions
• I will choose your best interests over mine regardless of the cost
• I will choose to forgive regardless of your behavior

When high levels of trust are present in a relationship, amazing things happen.   Sins against each other are discussed and forgiven quickly and we are able give each other the benefit of the doubt.   Little problems remain little and don't grow into larger problems.

So what are you doing to improve the level of trust in your relationship?  How are you allowing Jesus to express himself through you in a way that allows others to trust Him, rely on Him and depend on Him?  How are you being the hands, feet and mouth of Jesus thereby being a more trustworthy person in your relationships?

Prayer:  Lord, help me be a person that is trusted.  Work in me to express your love and be dependable, steadfast and reliable.  Allow my spouse to have trust in me because I have placed my trust in you.

An Annual Escape

It's been a few weeks since I have posted, we have been on vacation.  At our stage in life we can afford to periodically get away for a couple of weeks and that is exactly what we did.  We spent two weeks in the North West exploring the Oregon and California coast.  While this is the first "big" trip we have taken in a few years to spend un-interrupted time together, we make time each year to do so.  Whether it is a weekend Kayaking and shopping at Caddo Lake and Jefferson, or a weekend in Austin listening to Jazz and visiting the Arboretum, we work diligently to take some time each year to spend focused on each other.  Over time we have created a few rules to help us during this time.

• Disconnect - While we allow a little time at the beginning of the trip to wrap up e-mails and texts, at some point we disconnect.  No, Facebook is not allowed either.  
• Limit Movies - I love a good movie.  As you may know, Hastings is going out of business.  The main reason for this is Patty and I have started purchasing our movies from Amazon which was such a blow to their accounts receivables that they could not survive.  However, movies are not a time for sharing, talking,  or being together.  While you may be present together, there is seldom any interaction.  Movies do not make good one-on-one time.
• Discuss your Future - Where had God taken you this year; where do you feel like he is leading you in the year to come?  What are your hopes and dreams for the future?  I am not talking about action planning, I am talking about dreaming together concerning your future as a couple.
• Do something you both enjoy.  Look for an adventure to be involved in together.  Do something that is outside your comfort zone.  Make memories together!

Taking time each day, each week and each year to focus on your relationship requires discipline and purpose, but the rewards are huge.

Scripture:  Husbands, love your Wife as Christ loves the church.  Ephesians 5:25

Prayer:  Father help us find time together, give us a heart for companionship and friendship, and bless our marriage with the fruit of that relationship.    

Fifty-Two Times a Year

Previously we discussed how you can remind your spouse daily that they are important to you.  The weekly challenge requires a little more forethought and creativity.  What is one thing you can do to remind your spouse that they are still special to you, that you do not take them for granted, and that they are an important part of your life?  Millions of marriages each week fall closer and closer to a boring, disintegrating marriage where they have become just roommates going through life together. Taking time each week to reinforce your spouse's importance to you is time well spent.

Ideas:

• Write a letter telling your spouse how much you love her or why you respect him.
• Buy a card that says it all or make your own that shares your heart's desire.  
• The classics never die, bring home some flowers.
• Purchase glow in the dark stars and put them on the ceiling.  Later, make love under the stars.
• Take your wife on a weekend adventure.  Bring your spouse into your world.  Give your spouse the gift of time.
• Camp in a local park, campground, state park, etc.
• Rent canoes, kayaks, or paddle-boards and explore the local lake.
• Go on a hike or walk in a local park or sanctuary.
• Walk the local arboretum or go to the zoo.
• Get in the car, drive to a new place, stop somewhere along the way and have a picnic.

Let's talk about date night.  One of the first things to go when kids come around or work starts putting demands on your time is date night.  Fight for it!!!!  Each week take the time to reconnect in some small way.

• Go to a book store, head to the travel section, and explore far away places you hope to visit one day.
• Spend time together cooking a meal.
• Go to a coffee shop and people watch.
• Go in the back yard and star-gaze using an Ap on your phone to identify constellations.  

Note: Theaters and movies don't make the best date night as it does not allow for communication.  While they are a good way for a guy to relax and for both of you to be entertained, women will often not feel that a date at the movie is really a date.

Guys, remember...women often need the gift of attention, listening and sharing.

Women, remember...men need the gift of friendship, encouragement, presence and sexual intimacy.

Date nights and time spent together each week should reflect your willingness to serve your spouse in a way that is important to them.

If you go on a date and have some trouble thinking of something to talk about, find a list of conversation starters on the internet.  Make small cards with each topic, put all the topics in a bowl, and choose one to discuss over dinner or desert.  Here is one I found that has a gabizilion tons  (technical measurement) of questions.

Finally, if you are having trouble dating, simply ask each other what you would enjoy doing together.  In fact, this can be your first date night conversation.  Make a list of those things that would be special to you or your spouse and refer back to it as needed.  Remember, neither of you are  a mind reader so it is important to give your spouse the gift of insight into your heart.  Don't expect they will just know what you want.  Open up and share.

Scripture for this week:  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interest but each of you to the interest if the others.  Philippians 2:3-4

Prayer:  Father, give me ears to hear the heart of my spouse and the vulnerability to share my heart with them.  Help us learn to spend time with one another in ways that strengthen our marriage, and in doing so, strengthens our family.  

Behavior and the Heart

Last week I discussed how I had become lazy in my focus on my marriage, and how I often make it secondary to any number of things including my job, recreational activities, and even ministry work.  I then pointed out that we should make an effort to do something every day, each week, and yearly to show our spouse the importance of the marriage relationship and commitment made to each other.

You would think that would be an easy job, after all we promised to love our spouses until death do us part. But after the honeymoon wears off and the challenges of life start assaulting us, it becomes difficult.  Then, when we realize we have pushed aside our most important human relationship, we look for a quick fix: "Five Easy Steps to Improved Communications" or "Ten Ways to Heat up the Relationship."

Here is the problem... making changes to behavior is only a short-term solution to marital challenges. Don't get me wrong, making some changes to your behavior may be critical in the short term.     However, our God is not a God of behavior.  He is a God of the heart.  What God really desires is for you to change how you see your spouse and marriage.  When the way you see your spouse and marriage line up with reality of how God sees your spouse and marriage, then your behavior will start to change.  That change is what is needed for a marriage to grow.  Let me give you an example:

A few years back, Patty and I were reading a marriage book.  The author spent a lot of time focused on behavior. At one point while reading the book I had to stop and ask Patty what I could do to make her feel romanced.  She shared a couple of things that were helpful.  One way I could express romance was to open the door for her when she got in a car or entered a building. This was a behavior  that I should engage in according to the book.

However, knowing this, I then felt compelled to open doors for her.  In addition, once she told me this, there was an expectation on her part that I would follow through with the action because she had shared a simple way for me to romance her.  Therefore, she would stand at the door waiting for me to open it even when I forgot and entered the other side. When I forgot, I would look at her waiting by the door and begin to get a little frustrated while thinking "God gave her hands so I don't know why she can't use them." Then I would get out, go over, and open the door all the while grumbling under my breath.  After a while this built resentment and started to wear on me.

One morning, I was meditating on who God says I am.  God says I am loved, accepted, valued, a favored son, a servant, a saint, etc. But then, he started revealing to me who Patty was. Patty is a child of the King (that makes her a princess), a person He delights in, His favorite daughter, passionately loved, completely accepted, and highly valued.  God then started to gently reveal to me that He had given this favored daughter to me and, furthermore, had given me to her.  I was to be one of his expressions of love to her.  One of the ways I could express that love was to open the door for her.  I can't fully explain, but as this realization sank in there was a change in the way I saw both who she was and who I was in relation to our marriage. This realization changed the way I thought about opening the door for her. It was no longer a response to an expectation, or a behavior that might result in her expressing romance to me in another way (quid-pro-quo), but it became something I wanted to do because it was part of who I really am.  Part of my identify in Christ is that I am an expression of God's love to Patty and one way I can express that love is by opening the door for her.  This is the business God is involved in, renewing minds and changing hearts.

I know people who really don't want to be married, people who have given up on their relationships, or people who simply live together as room-mates.  They may try all kinds of things from the Love Dare Challenge to the Respect Dare Challenge to regain that spark in their marriage. What they really need is a new way of thinking.  A new way of thinking about their spouse, marriage, as well as themselves.  What they need is a revelation from God so they can see their spouse, marriage, and self from God's eyes.  They need His perspective and point of view.

This week meditate on how God sees you and your role in your marriage to his child.  Be open to hear from Him concerning how He wants to change the way you see your spouse.  Once you start to see these truths the behaviors can't help but follow.

Thought for the Week:  Am I open to seeing my spouse the way God sees my spouse.  Am I open to being a expression of His love for them.  

Prayer for the Week:  Lord, renew my heart.  Create in me a desire to love, cherish, respect and value my spouse.  Change the way I think about them and feel about them so as to change my behavior towards them.  

Romans 12: 12 - Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...

Check out this link for ideas on how to value your spouse.

Advice for Wives

Advice for Husbands

I've Gotten Lazy

I have gotten lazy.  There, I've said it.  After 32 years of marriage I have realized that I no longer put the time and effort into my marriage that I once did.  It is not an uncommon situation in marriages but you would think I would know better.  After all, I am in the ministry of marriages.

Remember when you spent some time thinking about what you would wear, how your hair looked and whether or not you had taken a bath that week.  Remember when you spent hours on the phone with the last 30 minutes being a salvo of "you hang up first" followed by the response of "no, you hang up first" and so on.  Remember when you planned that trip and surprised your new wife, or went shopping at that special store in the mall that resulted in steamy response in the bedroom a few hours later?  But then something happened.  You got comfortable, then you got boring, and then you just got tired.

Don't get me wrong; we are not in a world that we can spend all our time focused on romance, candles, sex and chocolate.  There are kids to raise, ministries to attend to, families to check on and yards to mow.  Work demands more and more while our energy reserves are often in shorter supply.  But that is no excuse for a marriage that is in a slow fade.  Make your marriage a priority and dedicate yourself to a daily activity, a weekly activity, a monthly activity and an annual activity that will improve your marriage. 

Want some ideas, stay tuned for the next post.

Why Oh Why Did I Ever Get Married

If marriage isn't all that it is cracked up to be, why shouldn't I just stay single?  I think this is a valid question  many couples are asking since there has been a dramatic increase in cohabitation over marriage. After seeing a full generation of adults fracture their families through selfishness and divorce, many are saying there is no real benefit to marriage.  Myself, I have now written a number of posts on the difficulty of marriage.  We face real challenges merging two lives into one. The struggle of overcoming power and control issues as well as the selfishness and self-centeredness we always bring into a marriage are the top areas of concern.

So, what is the benefit of marriage?

From a social and physical standpoint, marriage wields huge benefits.  Studies reveal married couples are healthier, have better paying jobs, have better sex lives, and live years longer than their single counterparts.   Overall, they self assess as happier, healthier and more at peace.  However, it is the spiritual benefits of marriage that strengthen the case.  Marriage is the incubator for spiritual maturity.  There is no better place for the fruit of the spirit to be produced than in marriage.  There is no place where it is more difficult to overcome impatience, self-centeredness, bitterness, and harshness.  Two people living and loving together rub against each other like stones in a rock polisher.  With each interaction a fragment of self-centeredness is polished away, a sliver of impatience falls to the wayside, and bitterness turns to thanksgiving.  While there are those who are called to singleness, God most often uses marriage as one of his best tools in our ongoing sanctification.  Our marriage of today prepares us for our marriage in eternity.

I can't imagine being single because I love marriage.  Yes, it is challenging at times, and there are times when my self-centeredness, impatience and harshness would otherwise go unnoticed if not for Patty.   But...  I can't imagine facing this life without her.  Combine this relationship with the relationship each of us has with Jesus, and you have a cord of three strands, which is not easily broken.

Thought for the Week:  Am I allowing God to improve our marriage?   Am I allowing God to improve me through my marriage?

Prayer for the Week:  Lord, help me see my marriage as you see my marriage.  Work through me to make it a place of harmony, trust, respect, and sacrificial love.

Ecclesiastes 4: 12 - And if one prevails against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not easily broken.

Source vs. Resource

Want to know one of the biggest secrets of a successful marriage?  Your spouse is not your source of happiness.  Neither are they your source of security, love, sexual fulfillment, safety, fellowship....

In fact, your spouse is not your source of anything that a righteous person seeks.  Just to be clear, as a Christian, you have been given the righteousness of Christ, so you are righteous.  So let me make my case.

James 1:17 says that all good things come from God.  We see in Genesis that it was not good for man to be alone, so God created him a helpmate, a partner.  Providing man a helpmate/partner/wife was the culminating event in creation.  Man was blessed with woman, and that blessing was from God.  Scripture says that if you cannot control lust (bad thing) then you should marry (good thing).  The blessings of a wife are stated over and over in Proverbs.  The Song of Solomon is a whole book on the blessings of sexual union (good thing) in marriage.  Even Ecclesiastes, the book of doom and gloom of the Bible, extols the value of a partner (wife) to stand against the enemy.

So what is my point?  God is the source of every good thing.  We too often look to our spouse as our source of happiness, joy, entertainment, romance, validation, security, etc.  We look to our spouse to meet all of our needs and are disappointed, sometimes tragically, when they fail us.  Here is the secret...they were never designed to meet all of our needs.  Only God can meet all of our needs, and sometimes he chooses to meet some of our needs through our spouse.  However, God retains full responsibility for meeting our needs.  Let me say it again because it is that important...God is our source and our spouse is one of the resources he uses to meet our needs.

Understanding that God is our source for all our needs and that our spouse is a resource God uses to meet some of those needs is a freeing realization.  As a husband I can let God express his love for my wife through me as he desires.  However, I am not responsible for meeting all of her needs for love, security, safety, etc.  Only God can do that.  When she feels her needs are not being met, we can join in prayer and ask God for what only he can supply.  When I am feeling that all of my needs are not being met by my wife, we can join in prayer and ask why?  Maybe I am expecting the need to be met from the wrong source, or maybe, it's not a need at all, but a desire.

Being disappointed in our marriage because of unmet expectations is a disaster of epic proportion, and may be the primary cause of divorce in couples.  When we enter into a marriage with unrealistic expectations, and then focus on those expectations and our spouse's failure to meet them, we end up being contemptuous towards our spouse and sometimes even God.  Remember that only God can meet all of our needs. We must go to him with our expectations, so we can see our marriage in the right perspective.  This makes it easier to give thanks for what our spouse brings into our lives instead of expressing contempt for their perceived shortcomings.

Scripture:  Phill. 4:19  And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Thought for the day:  Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over, expectations or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth, and the child will be named either contempt or respect.

Prayer:  Father, thank you for your provision and help me to be thankful for the blessings you have provided.  Help me turn to you with my desires, dreams and needs.  Help me to have faith in you to meet all my needs.

Bonus Assignment:  This week start each day identifying three things you are thankful for concerning your spouse.  Do this every day and see if your perspective concerning them does not improve.  At the end of the week share three things you appreciate in a card or note to your spouse.

Beware the Little Foxes

Scripture is replete with advice on marriage.  Church members from Colossus were given advice on family structure, Ephesus received instruction on how to relate to one another, and similar advice can be found throughout the Old and New Testaments.  One of the best pieces of advice can be found in the Song of Solomon.  The writer is speaking to the lover and the beloved and pens these words:  “Beware the little foxes that get into the vineyard.”

I love the fact that the marital relationship is compared to a vineyard.   The vineyard evokes images of long, fruit bearing rows;  of vines on the side of Tuscan hill warming in the evening sun.  What we often don’t consider is the constant attention required of a vineyard and the fact that the keeper of the vineyard had to be vigilant against those things that would destroy his crop.  Marriage is no different.

It’s funny that we seem to think that the most important human relationship in our lives do not need attention.  However, inattention is one of the most destructive enemies of our marriage.  Ask yourself these questions:

• How much time each week do my spouse and I spend in intimate conversation? (The average in America is less than 9 minutes.)
• What have I purposely been involved in to strengthen my marriage?
• What does my sex life say about my marriage?  (Sex life is an indicator of a healthy marriage, not the cause of one.)
• Are my spouse and I closer than when we first got married or are we growing farther apart. 

So what is the answer?  A quote that comes to mind is from Steven Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, "put First Things First."  I facilitate a class based on this book and when we come to the third habit, "Put First Things First," we complete exercises concerning what is really important in your life and where you actually spend your time and energy.  It is at this portion of the training that I often face tears.  People start looking at where they have spent decades of their life as opposed to what is really important.  They start to realize they have neglected relationships in an effort to pay for a house that is three times the size they need or a car they bought just to keep up with their friends.  They recognize the folly of building relationships at work at the expense of the relationships that are dying at home.  In short, through either laziness or inattention, they have let the little foxes into their vineyard. 

Think about this over the next week or so.  What relationships are you investing in?  Are you investing your time and energy into the most important human relationship of your life?  Without giving it thought you will always default into investing in those things that are urgent, not important. 

• Are you balancing time with your spouse and time ...
• with your friends?
• with your children?
• in your ministry?
• with your family?
• Are you working on your relationship through ...
• praying together?
• studying together?
• planning together?
• working together in ministry?
• attending workshops (like Love and Respect)?
• spending uninterrupted time alone (like at a Marriage Retreat)?
• pulling the weeds in your relationship by ...
• working through issues instead of ignoring them?
• dealing with the sin in your lives together?
• finding a Marriage Mentor or Coach when issues arise? 

Without spending time defending against them, the foxes will attack your vineyard and undermine your marriage.  It is sometimes a slow process that goes unnoticed for years until the damage is done. 

One final thought; if you feel a little conviction, do not fear.  We serve a God of second chances, a God that is in the redemption business, and a God that can get you back on track in your marriage.  Reach out to a pastor, minister or friend that can help.  Of course, the Marriage Ministry at Colonial Hills is always there to support, help, and encourage you as you work to keep the little foxes at bay.  Give us a call at any time. 

Thought for the week:  What foxes have I let into my marriage and how will I start to defend against them?

Scripture:  Catch the little foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. (Song of Solomon 2:15)

Prayer:  Father, be the defender of our marriage.  Defend us from those things that attack and undermine our relationship.  Reveal to us our weaknesses, strengthen us and guide us in overcoming them, and work in and through us to create a marriage that honors you.