Behavior and the Heart

Last week I discussed how I had become lazy in my focus on my marriage, and how I often make it secondary to any number of things including my job, recreational activities, and even ministry work.  I then pointed out that we should make an effort to do something every day, each week, and yearly to show our spouse the importance of the marriage relationship and commitment made to each other.

You would think that would be an easy job, after all we promised to love our spouses until death do us part. But after the honeymoon wears off and the challenges of life start assaulting us, it becomes difficult.  Then, when we realize we have pushed aside our most important human relationship, we look for a quick fix: "Five Easy Steps to Improved Communications" or "Ten Ways to Heat up the Relationship."

Here is the problem... making changes to behavior is only a short-term solution to marital challenges. Don't get me wrong, making some changes to your behavior may be critical in the short term.     However, our God is not a God of behavior.  He is a God of the heart.  What God really desires is for you to change how you see your spouse and marriage.  When the way you see your spouse and marriage line up with reality of how God sees your spouse and marriage, then your behavior will start to change.  That change is what is needed for a marriage to grow.  Let me give you an example:

A few years back, Patty and I were reading a marriage book.  The author spent a lot of time focused on behavior. At one point while reading the book I had to stop and ask Patty what I could do to make her feel romanced.  She shared a couple of things that were helpful.  One way I could express romance was to open the door for her when she got in a car or entered a building. This was a behavior  that I should engage in according to the book.

However, knowing this, I then felt compelled to open doors for her.  In addition, once she told me this, there was an expectation on her part that I would follow through with the action because she had shared a simple way for me to romance her.  Therefore, she would stand at the door waiting for me to open it even when I forgot and entered the other side. When I forgot, I would look at her waiting by the door and begin to get a little frustrated while thinking "God gave her hands so I don't know why she can't use them." Then I would get out, go over, and open the door all the while grumbling under my breath.  After a while this built resentment and started to wear on me.

One morning, I was meditating on who God says I am.  God says I am loved, accepted, valued, a favored son, a servant, a saint, etc. But then, he started revealing to me who Patty was. Patty is a child of the King (that makes her a princess), a person He delights in, His favorite daughter, passionately loved, completely accepted, and highly valued.  God then started to gently reveal to me that He had given this favored daughter to me and, furthermore, had given me to her.  I was to be one of his expressions of love to her.  One of the ways I could express that love was to open the door for her.  I can't fully explain, but as this realization sank in there was a change in the way I saw both who she was and who I was in relation to our marriage. This realization changed the way I thought about opening the door for her. It was no longer a response to an expectation, or a behavior that might result in her expressing romance to me in another way (quid-pro-quo), but it became something I wanted to do because it was part of who I really am.  Part of my identify in Christ is that I am an expression of God's love to Patty and one way I can express that love is by opening the door for her.  This is the business God is involved in, renewing minds and changing hearts.

I know people who really don't want to be married, people who have given up on their relationships, or people who simply live together as room-mates.  They may try all kinds of things from the Love Dare Challenge to the Respect Dare Challenge to regain that spark in their marriage. What they really need is a new way of thinking.  A new way of thinking about their spouse, marriage, as well as themselves.  What they need is a revelation from God so they can see their spouse, marriage, and self from God's eyes.  They need His perspective and point of view.

This week meditate on how God sees you and your role in your marriage to his child.  Be open to hear from Him concerning how He wants to change the way you see your spouse.  Once you start to see these truths the behaviors can't help but follow.

Thought for the Week:  Am I open to seeing my spouse the way God sees my spouse.  Am I open to being a expression of His love for them.  

Prayer for the Week:  Lord, renew my heart.  Create in me a desire to love, cherish, respect and value my spouse.  Change the way I think about them and feel about them so as to change my behavior towards them.  

Romans 12: 12 - Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...

Check out this link for ideas on how to value your spouse.

Advice for Wives

Advice for Husbands