The Sanctity of Trust

Trust is a delicate thing and is the foundation of all truly intimate relationships.  For many, it is hard to trust others due to past experiences or pains from past abuses.  We almost always approach the discussion on trust from the perspective of "Can I trust (fill in a name)?"  However, it is just as important that we approach the issue of trust from the perspective of "Can I be trusted?"

In a Christian marriage, trust is even more multi-faceted.  I have to learn to trust my spouse in a very intimate way and in every aspect of my life.  I trust my spouse with my finances, children, possessions, time, sexuality, emotions, and my heart.  It is no small thing and when trust is broken in a marriage, it negatively effects every aspect of our life.  The trust we have in our spouse is never static and is always growing stronger or eroding.  The last question on the video is "who do you trust and how do you grow it?"  Here are some questions to think through:

1. Are you trustworthy?  -  The answer is that in Christ, we are.  As we access and depend upon the heart and mind of Christ we can be counted on to seek the other's best interested; never engage in activities that hurt or harm our spouse; sacrificially act in ways that encourage, build up, and strengthen our spouse; 
2. How can you build trustworthiness?  - How are your actions effecting your spouse's ability to trust you?  Each of us learns to trust the other by determining whether or not we can depend on them.  Do your actions, thoughts and deeds remind your spouse:
• I will choose to love you regardless of your actions
• I will choose your best interests over mine regardless of the cost
• I will choose to forgive regardless of your behavior

When high levels of trust are present in a relationship, amazing things happen.   Sins against each other are discussed and forgiven quickly and we are able give each other the benefit of the doubt.   Little problems remain little and don't grow into larger problems.

So what are you doing to improve the level of trust in your relationship?  How are you allowing Jesus to express himself through you in a way that allows others to trust Him, rely on Him and depend on Him?  How are you being the hands, feet and mouth of Jesus thereby being a more trustworthy person in your relationships?

Prayer:  Lord, help me be a person that is trusted.  Work in me to express your love and be dependable, steadfast and reliable.  Allow my spouse to have trust in me because I have placed my trust in you.

An Annual Escape

It's been a few weeks since I have posted, we have been on vacation.  At our stage in life we can afford to periodically get away for a couple of weeks and that is exactly what we did.  We spent two weeks in the North West exploring the Oregon and California coast.  While this is the first "big" trip we have taken in a few years to spend un-interrupted time together, we make time each year to do so.  Whether it is a weekend Kayaking and shopping at Caddo Lake and Jefferson, or a weekend in Austin listening to Jazz and visiting the Arboretum, we work diligently to take some time each year to spend focused on each other.  Over time we have created a few rules to help us during this time.

• Disconnect - While we allow a little time at the beginning of the trip to wrap up e-mails and texts, at some point we disconnect.  No, Facebook is not allowed either.  
• Limit Movies - I love a good movie.  As you may know, Hastings is going out of business.  The main reason for this is Patty and I have started purchasing our movies from Amazon which was such a blow to their accounts receivables that they could not survive.  However, movies are not a time for sharing, talking,  or being together.  While you may be present together, there is seldom any interaction.  Movies do not make good one-on-one time.
• Discuss your Future - Where had God taken you this year; where do you feel like he is leading you in the year to come?  What are your hopes and dreams for the future?  I am not talking about action planning, I am talking about dreaming together concerning your future as a couple.
• Do something you both enjoy.  Look for an adventure to be involved in together.  Do something that is outside your comfort zone.  Make memories together!

Taking time each day, each week and each year to focus on your relationship requires discipline and purpose, but the rewards are huge.

Scripture:  Husbands, love your Wife as Christ loves the church.  Ephesians 5:25

Prayer:  Father help us find time together, give us a heart for companionship and friendship, and bless our marriage with the fruit of that relationship.    

Fifty-Two Times a Year

Previously we discussed how you can remind your spouse daily that they are important to you.  The weekly challenge requires a little more forethought and creativity.  What is one thing you can do to remind your spouse that they are still special to you, that you do not take them for granted, and that they are an important part of your life?  Millions of marriages each week fall closer and closer to a boring, disintegrating marriage where they have become just roommates going through life together. Taking time each week to reinforce your spouse's importance to you is time well spent.

Ideas:

• Write a letter telling your spouse how much you love her or why you respect him.
• Buy a card that says it all or make your own that shares your heart's desire.  
• The classics never die, bring home some flowers.
• Purchase glow in the dark stars and put them on the ceiling.  Later, make love under the stars.
• Take your wife on a weekend adventure.  Bring your spouse into your world.  Give your spouse the gift of time.
• Camp in a local park, campground, state park, etc.
• Rent canoes, kayaks, or paddle-boards and explore the local lake.
• Go on a hike or walk in a local park or sanctuary.
• Walk the local arboretum or go to the zoo.
• Get in the car, drive to a new place, stop somewhere along the way and have a picnic.

Let's talk about date night.  One of the first things to go when kids come around or work starts putting demands on your time is date night.  Fight for it!!!!  Each week take the time to reconnect in some small way.

• Go to a book store, head to the travel section, and explore far away places you hope to visit one day.
• Spend time together cooking a meal.
• Go to a coffee shop and people watch.
• Go in the back yard and star-gaze using an Ap on your phone to identify constellations.  

Note: Theaters and movies don't make the best date night as it does not allow for communication.  While they are a good way for a guy to relax and for both of you to be entertained, women will often not feel that a date at the movie is really a date.

Guys, remember...women often need the gift of attention, listening and sharing.

Women, remember...men need the gift of friendship, encouragement, presence and sexual intimacy.

Date nights and time spent together each week should reflect your willingness to serve your spouse in a way that is important to them.

If you go on a date and have some trouble thinking of something to talk about, find a list of conversation starters on the internet.  Make small cards with each topic, put all the topics in a bowl, and choose one to discuss over dinner or desert.  Here is one I found that has a gabizilion tons  (technical measurement) of questions.

Finally, if you are having trouble dating, simply ask each other what you would enjoy doing together.  In fact, this can be your first date night conversation.  Make a list of those things that would be special to you or your spouse and refer back to it as needed.  Remember, neither of you are  a mind reader so it is important to give your spouse the gift of insight into your heart.  Don't expect they will just know what you want.  Open up and share.

Scripture for this week:  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interest but each of you to the interest if the others.  Philippians 2:3-4

Prayer:  Father, give me ears to hear the heart of my spouse and the vulnerability to share my heart with them.  Help us learn to spend time with one another in ways that strengthen our marriage, and in doing so, strengthens our family.  

Behavior and the Heart

Last week I discussed how I had become lazy in my focus on my marriage, and how I often make it secondary to any number of things including my job, recreational activities, and even ministry work.  I then pointed out that we should make an effort to do something every day, each week, and yearly to show our spouse the importance of the marriage relationship and commitment made to each other.

You would think that would be an easy job, after all we promised to love our spouses until death do us part. But after the honeymoon wears off and the challenges of life start assaulting us, it becomes difficult.  Then, when we realize we have pushed aside our most important human relationship, we look for a quick fix: "Five Easy Steps to Improved Communications" or "Ten Ways to Heat up the Relationship."

Here is the problem... making changes to behavior is only a short-term solution to marital challenges. Don't get me wrong, making some changes to your behavior may be critical in the short term.     However, our God is not a God of behavior.  He is a God of the heart.  What God really desires is for you to change how you see your spouse and marriage.  When the way you see your spouse and marriage line up with reality of how God sees your spouse and marriage, then your behavior will start to change.  That change is what is needed for a marriage to grow.  Let me give you an example:

A few years back, Patty and I were reading a marriage book.  The author spent a lot of time focused on behavior. At one point while reading the book I had to stop and ask Patty what I could do to make her feel romanced.  She shared a couple of things that were helpful.  One way I could express romance was to open the door for her when she got in a car or entered a building. This was a behavior  that I should engage in according to the book.

However, knowing this, I then felt compelled to open doors for her.  In addition, once she told me this, there was an expectation on her part that I would follow through with the action because she had shared a simple way for me to romance her.  Therefore, she would stand at the door waiting for me to open it even when I forgot and entered the other side. When I forgot, I would look at her waiting by the door and begin to get a little frustrated while thinking "God gave her hands so I don't know why she can't use them." Then I would get out, go over, and open the door all the while grumbling under my breath.  After a while this built resentment and started to wear on me.

One morning, I was meditating on who God says I am.  God says I am loved, accepted, valued, a favored son, a servant, a saint, etc. But then, he started revealing to me who Patty was. Patty is a child of the King (that makes her a princess), a person He delights in, His favorite daughter, passionately loved, completely accepted, and highly valued.  God then started to gently reveal to me that He had given this favored daughter to me and, furthermore, had given me to her.  I was to be one of his expressions of love to her.  One of the ways I could express that love was to open the door for her.  I can't fully explain, but as this realization sank in there was a change in the way I saw both who she was and who I was in relation to our marriage. This realization changed the way I thought about opening the door for her. It was no longer a response to an expectation, or a behavior that might result in her expressing romance to me in another way (quid-pro-quo), but it became something I wanted to do because it was part of who I really am.  Part of my identify in Christ is that I am an expression of God's love to Patty and one way I can express that love is by opening the door for her.  This is the business God is involved in, renewing minds and changing hearts.

I know people who really don't want to be married, people who have given up on their relationships, or people who simply live together as room-mates.  They may try all kinds of things from the Love Dare Challenge to the Respect Dare Challenge to regain that spark in their marriage. What they really need is a new way of thinking.  A new way of thinking about their spouse, marriage, as well as themselves.  What they need is a revelation from God so they can see their spouse, marriage, and self from God's eyes.  They need His perspective and point of view.

This week meditate on how God sees you and your role in your marriage to his child.  Be open to hear from Him concerning how He wants to change the way you see your spouse.  Once you start to see these truths the behaviors can't help but follow.

Thought for the Week:  Am I open to seeing my spouse the way God sees my spouse.  Am I open to being a expression of His love for them.  

Prayer for the Week:  Lord, renew my heart.  Create in me a desire to love, cherish, respect and value my spouse.  Change the way I think about them and feel about them so as to change my behavior towards them.  

Romans 12: 12 - Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...

Check out this link for ideas on how to value your spouse.

Advice for Wives

Advice for Husbands

I've Gotten Lazy

I have gotten lazy.  There, I've said it.  After 32 years of marriage I have realized that I no longer put the time and effort into my marriage that I once did.  It is not an uncommon situation in marriages but you would think I would know better.  After all, I am in the ministry of marriages.

Remember when you spent some time thinking about what you would wear, how your hair looked and whether or not you had taken a bath that week.  Remember when you spent hours on the phone with the last 30 minutes being a salvo of "you hang up first" followed by the response of "no, you hang up first" and so on.  Remember when you planned that trip and surprised your new wife, or went shopping at that special store in the mall that resulted in steamy response in the bedroom a few hours later?  But then something happened.  You got comfortable, then you got boring, and then you just got tired.

Don't get me wrong; we are not in a world that we can spend all our time focused on romance, candles, sex and chocolate.  There are kids to raise, ministries to attend to, families to check on and yards to mow.  Work demands more and more while our energy reserves are often in shorter supply.  But that is no excuse for a marriage that is in a slow fade.  Make your marriage a priority and dedicate yourself to a daily activity, a weekly activity, a monthly activity and an annual activity that will improve your marriage. 

Want some ideas, stay tuned for the next post.

Why Oh Why Did I Ever Get Married

If marriage isn't all that it is cracked up to be, why shouldn't I just stay single?  I think this is a valid question  many couples are asking since there has been a dramatic increase in cohabitation over marriage. After seeing a full generation of adults fracture their families through selfishness and divorce, many are saying there is no real benefit to marriage.  Myself, I have now written a number of posts on the difficulty of marriage.  We face real challenges merging two lives into one. The struggle of overcoming power and control issues as well as the selfishness and self-centeredness we always bring into a marriage are the top areas of concern.

So, what is the benefit of marriage?

From a social and physical standpoint, marriage wields huge benefits.  Studies reveal married couples are healthier, have better paying jobs, have better sex lives, and live years longer than their single counterparts.   Overall, they self assess as happier, healthier and more at peace.  However, it is the spiritual benefits of marriage that strengthen the case.  Marriage is the incubator for spiritual maturity.  There is no better place for the fruit of the spirit to be produced than in marriage.  There is no place where it is more difficult to overcome impatience, self-centeredness, bitterness, and harshness.  Two people living and loving together rub against each other like stones in a rock polisher.  With each interaction a fragment of self-centeredness is polished away, a sliver of impatience falls to the wayside, and bitterness turns to thanksgiving.  While there are those who are called to singleness, God most often uses marriage as one of his best tools in our ongoing sanctification.  Our marriage of today prepares us for our marriage in eternity.

I can't imagine being single because I love marriage.  Yes, it is challenging at times, and there are times when my self-centeredness, impatience and harshness would otherwise go unnoticed if not for Patty.   But...  I can't imagine facing this life without her.  Combine this relationship with the relationship each of us has with Jesus, and you have a cord of three strands, which is not easily broken.

Thought for the Week:  Am I allowing God to improve our marriage?   Am I allowing God to improve me through my marriage?

Prayer for the Week:  Lord, help me see my marriage as you see my marriage.  Work through me to make it a place of harmony, trust, respect, and sacrificial love.

Ecclesiastes 4: 12 - And if one prevails against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not easily broken.

Source vs. Resource

Want to know one of the biggest secrets of a successful marriage?  Your spouse is not your source of happiness.  Neither are they your source of security, love, sexual fulfillment, safety, fellowship....

In fact, your spouse is not your source of anything that a righteous person seeks.  Just to be clear, as a Christian, you have been given the righteousness of Christ, so you are righteous.  So let me make my case.

James 1:17 says that all good things come from God.  We see in Genesis that it was not good for man to be alone, so God created him a helpmate, a partner.  Providing man a helpmate/partner/wife was the culminating event in creation.  Man was blessed with woman, and that blessing was from God.  Scripture says that if you cannot control lust (bad thing) then you should marry (good thing).  The blessings of a wife are stated over and over in Proverbs.  The Song of Solomon is a whole book on the blessings of sexual union (good thing) in marriage.  Even Ecclesiastes, the book of doom and gloom of the Bible, extols the value of a partner (wife) to stand against the enemy.

So what is my point?  God is the source of every good thing.  We too often look to our spouse as our source of happiness, joy, entertainment, romance, validation, security, etc.  We look to our spouse to meet all of our needs and are disappointed, sometimes tragically, when they fail us.  Here is the secret...they were never designed to meet all of our needs.  Only God can meet all of our needs, and sometimes he chooses to meet some of our needs through our spouse.  However, God retains full responsibility for meeting our needs.  Let me say it again because it is that important...God is our source and our spouse is one of the resources he uses to meet our needs.

Understanding that God is our source for all our needs and that our spouse is a resource God uses to meet some of those needs is a freeing realization.  As a husband I can let God express his love for my wife through me as he desires.  However, I am not responsible for meeting all of her needs for love, security, safety, etc.  Only God can do that.  When she feels her needs are not being met, we can join in prayer and ask God for what only he can supply.  When I am feeling that all of my needs are not being met by my wife, we can join in prayer and ask why?  Maybe I am expecting the need to be met from the wrong source, or maybe, it's not a need at all, but a desire.

Being disappointed in our marriage because of unmet expectations is a disaster of epic proportion, and may be the primary cause of divorce in couples.  When we enter into a marriage with unrealistic expectations, and then focus on those expectations and our spouse's failure to meet them, we end up being contemptuous towards our spouse and sometimes even God.  Remember that only God can meet all of our needs. We must go to him with our expectations, so we can see our marriage in the right perspective.  This makes it easier to give thanks for what our spouse brings into our lives instead of expressing contempt for their perceived shortcomings.

Scripture:  Phill. 4:19  And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

Thought for the day:  Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over, expectations or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth, and the child will be named either contempt or respect.

Prayer:  Father, thank you for your provision and help me to be thankful for the blessings you have provided.  Help me turn to you with my desires, dreams and needs.  Help me to have faith in you to meet all my needs.

Bonus Assignment:  This week start each day identifying three things you are thankful for concerning your spouse.  Do this every day and see if your perspective concerning them does not improve.  At the end of the week share three things you appreciate in a card or note to your spouse.